Nobody's Purr-fect!
by AnalisaPh54
Summary: The Lancer brothers are outsmarted again


**NOBODY'S PURR-FECT!**

The Lancer men were just finishing breakfast, nursing one last cup of coffee before the work day began. "Sons," Murdoch said, swallowing the last of his brew. "We have a problem and I need the two of you – and probably Jelly – to solve it."

"May I ask what the hindrance may be sir?" Scott inquired, setting down his now empty vessel. Johnny rolled his eyes at his elder brother over the rim of his coffee cup. Again with the fancy words!

"All of a sudden we have "acquired" an awful lot of barn cats which, in turn, has led to more than our fair share of kittens." Murdoch looked directly into the eyes of his youngest son and arched one eyebrow.

"What are you lookin' at me like that for? I ain't had nothing to do with kittens and such." Johnny rebuked.

"Well, son, you are known for bringing home any and every stray animal you come across and I thought perhaps . . ."

Johnny vigorously shook his head. "Oh no, not cats! I mean I like them and all but . . .Sure I've brung home dogs and a couple horses, maybe a stray calf or two and even a goat once." Scott cleared his throat loudly. "Oh yah, sorry – I know we promised to never speak of that goat again."

"What about the turkey to save it from being the neighbor's Thanksgiving dinner and the baby ducklings you found out by the pound with no mother around or . . ."

"Okay, I get your point. So what about the cats?"

"Sons, I know I may not show if very often but I am fond of animals too. I nearly stepped on three of those kittens just yesterday and if not for the corral fence being within my grasp I would have tripped over another one and fallen face first in the hay." Johnny tried to conceal a chuckle with his coffee cup but Murdoch gave him "the look" anyway.

"You are definitely correct sir. The other day when I led Hippocrates . . ."

"Why do you pick such weird names for your horses? Can't you stick with names like Storm . . . or Flame . . . or Barney. You know, something 'normal'."

"Barney?" Scott scoffed, turning his head to look at his brother sitting next to him.

"Yah. What's wrong with Barney? I'd like to see a horse named . . . how do you say it again?

"Hippocrates." Scott answered haughtily. "And while we're on the subject, what kind of name is Barranca for a horse? Barranca is a word of Spanish origin that means 'a deep gorge'. At least the name of my horse has appropriate meaning. I'll have you know that Hippocrates is the Latin form of Greek meaning 'horse power'."

"Barranca is a fine, proud name for a steed of his quality. Neither he nor I have anything to be ashamed of." Johnny had stood and was squaring his shoulders while puffing out his chest. He looked ready to come to blows.

"Boys!" Murdoch barked before something untoward happened. "John, sit down." He waited until his youngest had taken a seat, even if it was clear across the table from his brother. "I believe we were talking about kittens."

Scott met his father's eyes. "Yes we were sir." Turning to look at Johnny he continued. "As I was saying . . ." he continued tersely, the expression in his eyes just daring his little brother to interrupt. He turned back to Murdoch. "The other day when Hippocrates and I were coming out of the barn, a couple kittens ran through his legs and I had all I could do to hold him and keep him from rearing up."

"Big fancy named horse a scared of a couple teeny tiny kittens." Johnny mumbled not quite under his breath.

Scott swung his head around and began to wag his index finger at Johnny. Opening his mouth to speak, he was deterred by the report of Murdoch's fist on the table. Both men snapped their heads around to look at their father.

"Now that I have your attention," Murdoch said in a loud and very clear voice. "May we return to the problem at hand?" He continued with exaggerated calmness in his tone.

"What are we supposed to do? Those kittens are everywhere. One actually jumped off the edge of the hayloft right on top of my head!" Johnny groused, absentmindedly rubbing the crown of his skull.

"I want you two to talk to Jelly. Have him built some type of enclosure large enough to give them room to play and sleep and eat and . . . well, you know. He can build it in the empty stall at the far end of the barn. I can't think of any alternative but if the three of you can come up with something I'll listen. I'm not only concerned about us and the horses, but about them as well. One of them is going to get stepped on or trod upon or caught up in some equipment and then . . . well then it will break Teresa's heart. You know how emotional she gets about the animals around here. She has to go to stay with Aggie when we brand so she doesn't have to listen to the steers' bawl."

"I think some type of enclosure is the best answer, at least until they are older when – hopefully – they will acquire enough sense to keep out of the way." Scott commented. "When would you like this project completed? I assume the sooner the better?"

"Yes son, as soon as possible. Talk to Jelly on your way out this morning. There is some lumber left over from repairing the line shacks. Tell him to use that and to put any 'optional' chores on hold until he's done." Scott and Johnny rose. Scott nodded to his father and then both boys put on their hats and started walking to the front door. Murdoch could hear them quietly bantering back and forth about horse names until the door closed solidly behind them. He had to chuckle. He understood where Scott was coming from but Johnny? He didn't know if he would ever understand his logic but it did serve one purpose. It kept everybody amused.

Jelly spent the better part of the next two days constructing the enclosure for the kittens. He was anxious to show off his work but had to wait for the brothers to finish their few Saturday chores. Finally, soon after the noon meal, they came out to take a look.

"Hey Jelly," Scott said. "Boy, it sure is hot today." His beige shirt was already sweat soaked under the arms and down the middle of his back. He took off his hat and wiped his forehead with his arm and brushed his sweat-matted bangs to the side.

Johnny looked cool as a cucumber. His shirt held no signs of perspiration and his forehead was dry as was his hair. "Jelly," Johnny nodded. "Show us what you got figured out."

Puffing out his chest and looping his thumbs in his suspenders, Jelly raised his chin so high it was a wonder he didn't tip over backwards. The boys followed him to the far stall to find an old tarp draped over the side rails. "Gentlemen," Jelly said, taking a hold of one corner of the tarp. "May I present what may be my finest work yet." He whipped the covering aside, balled it up and tossed it outside the door. Johnny gently elbowed Scott in the ribs.

"Wow, Jelly. That looks mighty fine. Yes sir, mighty fine. What do you think Scott?"

Scott took a step forward, squatted down to inspect the abode then rose and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes sir, Jelly. I don't believe an architect or a master carpenter could have done better. Murdoch will be please."

Jelly strutted around to come up on the other side of the brothers looking proud as a peacock. "Thank you, gentlemen, thank you. Like I said, best work I ever did. I should hire myself out, I should."

"Oh no Jelly. You can't do that." Scott quickly advised.

"Yah Jelly. What would we do without yah? A lot of things around here would fall plum to pieces." Johnny added. The brothers exchanged a quick glance. They knew the old man was eating up what they were dishing out. "I only got one question. Where's the door?"

"There ain't one, Mr. Smarty Pants. If they can goes in, they can comes out and that wouldn't solve the problem now would it?" Jelly stepped closer and elbowed the boys to either side. He slid two bolts out of their housings and pulled up on a handle. The entire top lifted up and Jelly had put locking braces on the back edge to keep it that way.

"Gee Scott, look at that. What a great idea!"

"Utter genius! I would have never thought of it."

Jelly pursed his lips. "Now you boys are just plain overdoin' it. I knows when you're sincere and when you're just stroking an old man's ego. Now look here," Jelly moved to the side so Scott and Johnny could step closer. "I divided it into three spaces. The first room here, well that's for them kittens to eat in. And the second room is for them to play in and to sleep in. Teresa is going to cut down some old blankets to fit so they stay warm. The third room, well, that's for 'other' things, if you get my meanin'." The boys nodded. I put some saw dust in there for now. We'll need to buy a couple bags of sand the next time supplies are got. I was thinking of putting on a second story but run plum out of lumber. Maybe your Pa can get a couple more pieces for me. This here one story affair might get as jam packed as pickles in a jar when they grows some." Jelly carefully released the hinges and put the lid down. "Now all we need is a mittful of them furry young un's."

Scott and Johnny stood with their hands on their hips. "Well brother, no time like the present." Scott said. "Jelly, how many kittens do you figure are around here?"

"Maybe a couple dozen. It's kinda hard to tell when all those from the same mama and papa look so much alike. I haven't exactly got up and personal with any of them you know."

"They're all pretty young yet Scott. I bet they can't run very fast on them little legs they got. Why don't you go that way and I'll go this way. Jelly, if we hand them to you can you put them in their new home?" Jelly nodded. The boys shook hands and wished each other good luck.

Johnny checked all the stalls on his end of the barn but didn't see any. When he glanced at Jelly, Jelly pointed his finger heavenward. Johnny looked up to see three of them sitting – side by side – on the edge of the hayloft. Johnny firmed his hat on his head then quietly climbed the ladder. The kittens' attention seemed to be riveted on Jelly so Johnny snuck up behind them. He stretched out his arms and spread out his fingers. He was just about to scoop them up as a group when they suddenly skittered off in three different directions. Johnny had to do a quick balancing act in order to not fall over the edge.

Scott spotted two of them sleeping peacefully behind a stack of old milk cans. Being tall he figured his best bet was just to bend over the cans and grab them. Spreading his feet shoulder width apart, he pushed his hat back on his head and started to slowly bend at the waist. He put one hand to their left and the other to their right intending to pick one up in each. Just as his fingertips touched their fur, they leapt up and – each going the opposite direction – ran for their lives. Scott stretched sideways to try to catch at least one but that threw his balance off and suddenly there was a loud clanking of metal against metal as he fell into the pile knocking the cans over and landing belly down over one of them. Johnny and Jelly snapped their heads around. Seeing that only Scott's pride seemed to be hurt they burst out laughing. The noise must have awakened them all and a whole kindle of kittens ran out the barn door going every which way.

"Way to go Boston." Johnny drawled, reaching out a hand to help his brother up.

"Which way did they go?"

Johnny huffed, readjusting his hat. "You mean which way didn't they go!" Johnny slapped the back of his hand lightly against Scott's stomach. "Come on before they get all the way to Morro Coyo."

This time the boys decided that maybe it would be better to catch them as a team rather than splitting up; that perhaps one of them could steer a kitten in his brother's direction. Very slowly and methodically they proceeded through the tall grass rimming the corral. They were slightly bent at the waist and held their arms and fingers spread. Hearing the commotion of the metal cans, Murdoch rose from his desk and took a sip of coffee out of the cup in his hand as he looked through the open French doors. He finally figured out what his sons were up to and had to chuckle. The books could wait. Walking out onto the patio, he sat in one of the chaise lounges, swinging up his long legs to get comfortable. He didn't want to miss the show.

Every so often one of the boys would point. Then one or the other or both would lunge forward usually disappearing out of sight as they toppled into the tall grass. Finally Scott caught one but apparently the kitten didn't cotton to the idea as Scott kept pulling his fingers away and shaking his hand. The kitten was twisting and turning and obviously trying to nip at him but he held tight and handed the little rascal to Jelly who quickly scampered into the barn.

Johnny now held his hat in one hand. His idea was to toss the hat over a kitten as a type of net. It seemed to work, at least this time, as when he stood he held two kittens against his chest – one in each hand. He walked them over to Jelly who took them and went back in the barn. Murdoch was laughing so hard he thought he was going to cry. Teresa overheard him and came outside.

"What's going on?" She asked, shielding her eyes against the sun.

"Only the best show on earth. The boys have become cat herders and it's quite a sight to behold. Sit down for a while and watch. I guarantee you won't be disappointed."

Teresa sat on the edge of the other chaise. Murdoch was right, it was quite a performance. First one brother would fling himself forward to land on his stomach on the ground while a little blur of fur went running. Then the other brother would try and corral a few together and chase them toward the other only to have the kittens suddenly split up and run off in different directions. Scott finally caught another one when it tried to run up the tree. Johnny got a couple more with his hat "net". Jelly was wearing himself out running the kittens into the barn.

A while later, Johnny came around the corner of the bathhouse. He had a kitten in each hand and his shirt was wiggling. He kept squirming and twisting and muttering under his breath. "What you got there Johnny?" Teresa called. Johnny was panting slightly and sweat ran down from his forehead.

"Critters." He huffed. "Hey Scott," he called. "I hit the jackpot. Got four of 'em." Scott met his brother partway back to the barn and took the two from his hands. Johnny reached inside his shirt and pulled out two more. All were handed to Jelly. The chase continued for some time. The boys were getting better as their techniques were honed. Both of their shirts were clinging to them with sweat. Scott had tossed away his hat an hour ago and Johnny's hung down his back from the strap. Every so often they would splash their heads and faces with water from the trough. Teresa excused herself and went in to prepare some lemonade.

Stopping for a moment to catch their breath Johnny huffed, "You know something Boston. All these kittens are starting to look alike. I could swear I've been catching the same ones over and over." Both of them lifted a hand and waved Jelly over to ask him something. "Jelly, how many we got?"

Murdoch watched closely although he couldn't hear their conversation from that distance. Apparently his sons were not happy with Jelly's answer as Scott and Johnny marched into the barn with Jelly trotting behind them. Lifting the lid to peer inside, they discovered Jelly was correct.

"Jelly, we've been chasin' them kittens for hours. I know we caught more than four of them. Hell, I caught four of them myself!" Johnny put the lid back down and the men walked away a few steps. "Scott, what are we goin' to do. I'm damn near whipped. Them kittens are just too smart for us."

"Speaking of smart," Scott echoed, pointing. Johnny and Jelly turned around to see one of the kittens just barely squeezing through one of the air holes Jelly had drilled out on both sides of the enclosure. It didn't take long for the others to follow and, once free, they scampered away. Johnny rolled his eyes.

"Jelly!" They said in unison. Jelly lowered his eyes and kicked at some loose straw on the floor. Finally meeting their gaze he said in a defensive tone, "Well they gotta breathe!"

"But how could you not notice that every time we handed you one to put inside the number was decreasing not increasing. Why didn't you say anything earlier?"

"Now Scott, I noticed that there weren't gettin' to be more but I thought maybe they was in the backroom doing their business and I didn't want to invade their privacy." Scott gritted his teeth and balled his fingers into fists. He looked like he wanted to hit something. Johnny paced spouting off in Spanish then finally, with a determined step, walked in the direction of the tack room.

"Where do you think you're going?" Scott called. A minute later his brother returned carrying a roll of wire screening.

"Here," he said tersely shoving the roll into Jelly's hand. "Scott and I will help you pull that . . . thing . . . out of there then I want you to wrap this screen around it and tack it in place, comprende?" Jelly glanced at the screening and then cast Johnny an indignant look.

"If you insist." Jelly spat, huffing as he turned away. With a great deal of effort because the enclosure fit so tightly within the space, the boys finally succeeded in pulling it out of the stall. With a glare through narrowed eyes from both Lancers, they strode out of the barn. Jelly started attaching the wire mesh grousing the whole time. "Finest thing I ever saw Jelly. Couldn't have done it better myself. Better than an architect could think up. Hmp!"

Teresa called to the men as they walked out of the barn. "Come have a glass of lemonade." Gratefully they walked over to join her and their father.

"Well sons, you did indeed put on a fine show. Very entertaining, isn't that right darling?" Teresa nodded and took a sip of lemonade. Scott and Johnny rested back against the stuccoed wall each holding a glass of the ice cold mixture. "You must just about have them all, wouldn't you say?" Johnny and Scott exchanged a glance.

"Yes sir, just about." Scott answered, draining his glass.

"I'm going back inside and see if I can get the ledgers finished before supper. You made a good team, both of you . . . and Jelly too. Thank him for me will you?" Murdoch took his glass of lemonade back inside with him. Scott put his empty glass on the tray and Johnny, taking a deep swallow, put his glass there as well. Thanking Teresa they walked slowly back toward the barn.

"Johnny," Scott said, putting a hand on his little brother's shoulder. "We are two grown men. We ought to be able to outsmart a bunch of little kittens. We need to outline some tactical maneuvers so that we are both focused on the task at hand and know just what to expect from each other. Agreed?

"We ain't fightin' a war Boston. We're herding cats. I'll agree they are smart little critters and wily too. They're probably just afraid of us bein' so much bigger and all. Maybe we need to get down to their level, you know, so we won't seem so scary."

"I see your point. I know in the service the taller officers got a lot more respect because they could intimidate the shorter men who always had to look up to them. Maybe it's the same way with cats. All we can do is give it a try. Let's go make sure Jelly's got that enclosure fixed so we won't have any more escapees."

The brothers checked out Jelly's 'improvement' and found that the mesh had solved the problem. They pushed the enclosure back into the stall. "Jelly, I think now we have a winner for sure. Neither Johnny nor I thought about the air holes but I don't believe there will be any more escape attempts. My brother and I have come up with a new strategy but we still need your help."

"Well let's not just stand here jawin'. It'll be supper time before long and it'll be gettin' dark besides and I knows you're not goin' to find any of those sly munchkins in the dark."

"You're right as rain, Jelly. Now Johnny and I are going to look around outside first. Come on brother. Time's a wasting." When Johnny and Scott walked out of the barn they strode over to the tall grass. That seemed to be where most of them had hidden before. Johnny dropped to his knees. Scott joined him and they began crawling forward holding themselves as close to the ground as possible. Before long two little faces peered out at them. The kittens were either extremely curious or thought that the two men were crazy.

Johnny began speaking softly to them. They moved a little closer together for safety but didn't run. Johnny stopped crawling and dropped onto his belly. He lay as still as possible keeping eye contact with the kittens at all times. It took a couple minutes, but finally first one and then the other took tiny tentative steps toward him. The bolder one lifted a paw and clawed at the air but Johnny didn't flinch. Soon they came close enough to sniff his fingers then up his sleeve to his shoulders and then he felt their whiskers move close to his ear, that's when he grabbed them. Standing, he proudly held them up for Scott to see. "Two down. How many more to go?"

"Too many!" Scott groused. "Hey I think I see one." Johnny froze in place and watched as Scott dropped down full length and used his elbows to pull himself forward. The kitten he'd spied gave its full attention to giving itself a bath and didn't see Scott until he reached out and grabbed him. Standing, Scott smiled. "I got one too." Scott walked over to his brother and together they took their catch into Jelly. "Okay Jelly, here are three of them. The next time you open that lid there better still be three of them, understand?"

Jelly scooped the critters into his arms. Opening the enclosure, he gently set them inside then closed the top. "Three. Well that there is a start but you boys got a long ways to go."

For more than an hour, Scott and Johnny crawled around attempting to snare more prey. They crawled through the tall grass, around Maria's flower garden, behind the water trough, over to the bunkhouse and all around the outside of it. They managed to catch a few more but all told there were only seven kittens in the enclosure. Both men were wet with sweat, their clothes were grass stained and muddy, the toes of their boots almost scuffed off and – truth be told – they could hardly stand the smell of each other.

Johnny was the first one to complain. "I give up. We've been out in this hot sun, crawling around like snakes, for the better part of five hours. I'm tired. I'm sweaty. I stink. I'm going to go take a bath before supper."

Scott hated to fail at anything but, sometimes, giving up became the smartest thing to do. "You're right little brother. A man can only take so much." He dropped down on the hay bale next to his brother. Johnny waved his hand in front of his wrinkled nose.

"Boy, you smell worse than a skunk that got sprayed by another skunk."

"I wouldn't talk if I were you. Your . . . scent . . . is hardly that of a rose."

"Boston let's fill up both them big deep tubs and just soak. I'm so dirty I'm going to have to get clean from the inside out. We did our best. That's all Murdoch can expect. We can always try again tomorrow."

"I can't believe those tiny scamps got one over on us. I guess we're not as clever as we think we are."

Just then Teresa came around the corner. She was carrying a large shallow pan in one hand and a metal pail in the other. Her reaction to the aroma emanating from the two Lancer men was obvious. "You two are going to bathe before . . ."

"Yes." They answered in unison. "What you got there Teresa?" Johnny asked, always the curious one. He watched as Teresa put the empty pan in the middle of the floor and poured the milk from the pail into it. Standing a step back, she watched as kittens came from every direction. They quickly encircled the dish and began lapping up the milk. Smiling Teresa turned to go back to the house.

"Hey wait a minute." Scott said. "Do you give them milk every day?"

Teresa nodded holding her hand beneath her nose. "Every day, just about this time. They always come running. Well," she said backing away. "I've got supper on the stove." She practically ran out of the barn pausing to take several deep breaths of clean air.

Scott and Johnny glanced at each other. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking," Asked Scott.

"Boston if you could only read my mind. But then I'm thinkin' in Spanish so you might not understand." The brothers stood up and walked slowly over to the gathering of kittens. They never even flinched, just kept lapping up the milk. Scott reached down and cautiously lifted the pan. The kittens tilted their heads back to study him. Carefully he walked over to the enclosure, opened the top and sat the container down inside the front most room. The seven captive kittens eagerly surrounded the pan and began to drink. Looking down at his feet, all the other ones had followed him and were now meowing loudly, scolding him for taking their food. Picking up two in each hand, he set them down near the milk and they happily resumed their dinner. Within minutes there were twenty-three kittens contentedly lapping up the remaining milk.

Scott closed and secured the top of the enclosure and turned to look at Johnny with his arms bent at the elbows and his hands held out palm up as if to say 'what do you know'. Johnny shook his head and grinned. As Scott walked over to him, he laid one arm across his brother's shoulders.

"You know Boston, there's only one thing that bothers me."

"What's that?" Scott asked, knitting his brows together.

"We not only got outsmarted by a bunch of little kittens. We got outsmarted by a woman as well. I think both of us have a lot to learn. An awfully lot to learn." The boys bantered back and forth, jostling each other all the way to the bath house. At supper they were happy to report to Murdoch that all was well and then sheepishly added 'thanks to Teresa'. They both knew she wouldn't let them forget this day for a long, long time.


End file.
